- This topic has 142 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated December 1, 2023 by
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Summary for Lesson 1
In today’s class we began our writing course, thinking today about adventure stories! We learned about the different things adventure stories include, thought about adventure stories the class had made up in the past and spoke about famous villains, from Miss Trunchball to Voldemort. The class then created their own villains for an adventure story which they did amazingly, coming up with super interesting characters. Incredible work everyone- remember you can look at the PPT below to help you with the homework. I can’t wait to read your adventure stories! 🙂
Here is the video we watched on adventure: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1Q-XGVEnao&t=148s
Homework
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Fabulous writing Changlun- well done! The way your story unfolds is so suspenseful and exciting and I love how we get a sense of Culia’s mischievous and villainous personality through the way you show her thoughts and schemes. I absolutely love your opening description of the beach, which uses gorgeous figurative language such as the personification of ‘the exhausted beach was melting’. I think it’s really funny how her evil plans keep escalating in intensity and how you foreshadow her evil deeds when she clicks her fingers and says it will be a piece of cake. You’ve also used dialogue beautifully to show the family’s reactions and to show how innocent they are in the face of all of Culia’s tricks. To make this even better, could you include literary techniques all the way through like the amazing similes and personification you used in the first paragraph? i.e., “he screamed so much that his face looked like an erupting volcano”? Overall incredible work well done 🙂
Spelling:
*happened
*with sand
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Amazing work Oliver- well done! I really love your vivid and powerful description of the setting and think the way you’ve introduced the conflict and tension in the story is fantastic. Your vocabulary is brilliant, using some great words such as colossal and vibrant, and I love how you foreshadow the trouble that is to come in the ominous line ‘he wouldn’t see land for a week’… The climax of the story with the storm is a very inventive idea and makes the story feel very adventurous. I would love to see you show rather than tell the moment of the shipwreck i.e., having a description like “Robert felt the boat rocking. ‘Surely not’ he thought to himself, as water began to flood over the bow. ‘EVACUATE’ yelled the captain and Robert began to run towards the lifeboats when suddenly everything went black…”. Overall wonderful writing- well done 🙂
Spellings:
* immediately
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Amazing work Chenxi, well done! Your description of the villain is super powerful with a wonderful simile describing his red eyes and I absolutely love the idea that he eats animals from the beach because he is so brutal. You have built the tension and suspense in this story beautifully, and I love the vocabulary you have used such as ‘rash’. I think it is a great idea to have the villain learn from his mistakes at the end, which is a brilliant moral to the story and shows us people can change. To make this even better, make sure you stay in the same tense throughout the story i.e., because you start in present tense (there is a villain) you should stay in the present tense throughout (the policeman finds his behaviour unusual). It might be easier to tell the whole story in past tense i.e., once there was a villain. Overall wonderful adventure writing well done 🙂
Spelling:
*never wears any clothes
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Excellent work Efay- well done! I absolutely love how you have presented your narrator’s voice, with their villainous nature shining through in the way they tell the story. The interaction between your villain and their butler is super entertaining and I love how they are so snappy with demanding pest control and shouting about the raccoons and coyotes. The idea of writing this as a diary is absolutely brilliant and shows your narrator’s emotions really vividly. I love the techniques you have used such as rhetorical questions, exclamations and the opening onomatopoeia of ‘grrrr! which sets the scene beautifully. The language you’ve used is really incredible and I love your idea to make your character hate all animals- really funny. To make this even better, could you include some final reflections after the narrator leaves the campsite to extend the ending a little? Overall exceptional story-writing well done 🙂
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Hi Beth, please find below the google doc link to Rey’s homework
https://docs.google.com/document/d/13fhBxetkb8ytf3uMD6DCb8VHqYkUEhwwgi3Ddb_fQSA/edit?usp=sharing
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Incredible story-writing Rey well done! Your story is so fresh and innovative with an absolutely stellar plot line. Your description of your villain is super spooky and I love the idea that he would want to go on holiday to hell. I thought the moment where Sushan orders two cups of blood in the restaurant was really entertaining and absolutely love the plot twist of him fainting and then transforming into a robot body. Your idea to take lots of everyday holiday activities i.e., going to a theatre, and make them hellish is a brilliant one. You’ve also used techniques such as exclamation fantastically in lines such as ‘Suddenly!’ which create suspense and have a clear and exciting ending to your story too. To make this even better, could you include some techniques such as a simile? i.e., he felt like he’d been put through the washing machine when he woke up. Overall amazing work well done 🙂
Grammar:
* The restaurant owner
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Brilliant writing James- well done! Your characterisation and description of Professor Evil are wonderful and vivid and I really like how you have shown his explosive temper using capital letters i.e., “RATS!!!” and ANGRY. I love how you have shown his journey to Japan through counting down all the time it took him to get there and think the central story-line is really entertaining and vibrant- the fact he robs all those banks and is one cent short is super funny! Your description of his new plot to steal an extra cent is amazing- I love the moment where he is about to attack and then changes his mind last-minute. Your ending is really exciting and I think his final moment of triumph is beautifully framed by all the problems he faces in the run-up to it. To make this even better, could you show not tell the moment when he tries to steal the final cent? Overall amazing work well done 🙂
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Beautiful story-telling Yunxi- well done! I absolutely love your opening introduction to Mr. Hardheart with all of his stolen goods and think the way you have set the story into motion with him pickpocketing a ticket to Brighton is really funny. The metaphor ‘his face never wished a smile on him’ is absolutely brilliant and I really like how you have used brackets to introduce little asides to the reader about his personality, telling us some extra information throughout. The climax of the story where he gets caught stealing the woman’s bag is super exciting and you’ve used dialogue really well to show this moment unfolding. I also love the sense of Mr Hardheart’s character that we get from the way you have presented his thoughts- wonderful work! To make this even better, make sure you stay in the same tense throughout the story i.e., because you start in past tense, make sure you stick to this throughout. Overall wonderful writing well done 🙂
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Summary for Lesson 2
In today’s class we continued our work on adventure stories, thinking about how to create exciting adventure plots, how to use ‘show don’t tell’, and how to build our characters alongside the struggles and conflicts they face. We began with thinking about six different adventure ingredients before the class designed some amazing heroes which they inserted into news reports telling the story of their adventure. We spoke about plot structure and finally looked at a story-planner to help us think about the final details. Wonderful and passionate work class- well done for all your amazing ideas and see you next week 🙂
BBC video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iQ9FKnAY6A&t=160s
Homework
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Gorgeous story-telling Melanie- well done! I really like how you have structured and plotted your story, and how the tone of it sounds exactly like a Greek myth. You have used some amazing literary techniques such as the exclamation of “EXPLODED!” and I thought the description of the character’s emotions was fantastic throughout- with the old woman quivering from head to toe. I also really like your opening description of Anabel as ‘not a very beautiful girl, or a very nice one’ which sets the scene perfectly for an unusual story in which the heroine is not a typical heroine. Finally, you had a fantastic plot twist at the end with her turning into a spider which you’ve used fab language to describe i.e., “deadly transformation” to emphasise the horror of this moment. to make this even better, just make sure to stick to the prompt a little more- there is no one on holiday in this story so it doesn’t quite fit the question. Otherwise, lovely writing well done 🙂
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Amazing story-writing Chenxi- well done! This story is super adventurous and exciting and you’ve used the show don’t tell rule beautifully in the final fight scene. The language you’ve used in this piece is really sophisticated, with lots of great lines such as “the deafening roar of the natural disaster” & “certain doom” and some wonderful vocab such as “lumbered” and “glowered”. I am really impressed by your pacing here, where you unfold the story at a super controlled pace, slowing down for tension (i.e., “walked and walked”) and then speeding up when you reach a climactic moment. The description you use is also really effective- particularly when describing the monster. To make this even better, could you use some more literary techniques such as a simile? Overall excellent work well done 🙂
Spellings:
* he was brave and strong but was scared of the dark
* set off on a mission / fend off the attack
* flicked him off
* pierce the monster on its head
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Wonderful adventure story-writing Oliver- well done! Your pacing is excellent here, letting the story unfold at a really exciting speed and including lots of brilliant show don’t tell techniques. Your language is really suspenseful- with phrases such as “savage terror” striking fear in the reader’s heart and the simile of “as black as the night” creating a vivid image of the tiger. I love the idea of setting it in prehistoric times- really creative work- and love the way you’ve presented the final fight scene, particularly the short snappy sentence “fell to the ground, dead” which uses punctuation to create tension. Fab adventurous vocab too, such as slayed and victorious. To make this even better, remember when you are describing Dinosaur Duck you should use the past tense, because this story is set in the past. So it should be ‘Dinosaur Duck was green. He had long feathers and was as big as an ostrich. Overall really exhilarating work- well done! 🙂
Spellings:
*its path and its teeth- there’s no apostrophe in its for this (it’s is short for it is, its is possessive)
*particularly
*set off
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Exciting work Changlun- well done! I love your use of beautiful description throughout this piece- with excellent similes such as “as sleek as a shiny waterfall” and gorgeous imagery to describe the two characters. I thought your description of Culia biting through the rope was amazingly vivid and creepy! You have created a plot that is exhilarating and fast-paced, using dialogue to show what is going on and linking it back to your story last week really nicely. The rivalry between the two characters is excellently portrayed and I love how we can see it from the way they speak to each other in your piece and I love the cliffhanger ending. To make this even better, could you show not tell the moment she slips into a hole, drawing out the moment to create suspense i.e., she took a step back and felt the ground beneath her tremble… “oh wai-” but it was too late, she was tumbling down, down into the darkness. Overall amazing writing well done 🙂
Grammar:
*the sentence ‘as she walked through the gloomy forest’ doesn’t need the ‘as’ there because it’s a simple sentence
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Lovely work Efay- well done! I love the opening line which sets up a sense of foreshadowing for the rest of the story and hooks the reader straight in and I love the language you have used with brilliant vocab such as “avail”, amazing use of alliteration in lines such as “serpent slithered” and also a beautiful simile in “with a cat’s agility”. The plot twist at the end of the story is really heart-warming and I love the image you end on, the serpent knowing it was freed and slithering away- very powerful! Your pacing of the fight scene is fantastic, creating lots of tension and excitement for the reader and showing the action unfold in an exhilarating way! To make this even better, you might want to do a little more show-not-tell at the beginning of the story so it doesn’t feel too rushed when you tell us about Ruth’s backstory i.e., “She looked around at the forest she called her home, had called her home since she was one, and thought wistfully of her parents. She could almost see them in front of her, exactly as they were before… the incident. Ruth had only been a baby when it happened- all she remembered was the flicker of the serpent’s tongue as he devoured them”. Overall wonderful writing well done 🙂
Spellings:
* abandoned, fortunately, stumbled, lethal, centimetres, panicked, brought
*shook its head (no apostrophe, it’s is it is, its is possessive)
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Very exciting writing Yunxi- well done! The idea of her drawings coming to life is such an inventive one and makes for a brilliant plot. you’ve used some wonderful literary techniques such as onomatopoeia and repetition and I love your decision to set it in an alien land. I love how you’ve shown Ejo’s thoughts of ‘typical’ which makes it really funny and I think your show don’t tell of the climactic chase scene is fantastically paced. Wonderful use of the adventure genre and really interesting telling of Ejo’s backstory too to give the reader a sense of who she is and where her magic skills come from. To make this even better, just be careful with your tenses. If you start in past i.e., ‘Ejo came to this world’ then don’t have ‘she looks’ which is in present tense. Instead, it should be ‘she looked nothing like an alien’ and ‘she didn’t make a sound’. Overall really creative and entertaining story-writing, well done! 🙂
Grammar:
*she tried it again
* The explosion started a whole new life for Ejo
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Lovely writing Rey- well done! This is a very inspirational story with lots of great imagery running throughout it. I love how you foreshadow the fire at the end of the story by repeatedly drawing the reader’s attention to what a blazing hot day it was- very clever idea! You have a really strong moral to the story in this piece, teaching the reader about helping others, and have shown the moment of the fire-fighters coming as a big climactic one that changes Foo’s life. The pacing of your story is great with the fire coming as a big twist in the middle and it all being resolved nicely in the end. To make this even better, could you add some description? i.e., what does the fire look like when it begins to burn the house? Can you describe the flames using a simile or personification like ‘the fire’s tongue licked the kitchen counter’? Overall fantastic work well done 🙂
Spelling:
* piece of wood
* suddenly
*the wood set on fire
* convinced, inspired
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Summary for Lesson 3
In today’s class we started our work on persuasive writing, today learning about different techniques and thinking how to apply these creatively. We began by discussing what persuasive writing is, listing and practicing lots of different techniques and thinking about topics the students were passionate about. They then planned out some ideas for a letter to a superhero- we went over how to write a formal letter and finally did a really fun quiz on letter writing which the class did brilliantly on! Well done for all your energising work today everyone, you were fantastic throughout. Keep up the wonderful work 🙂
Persuasive techniques video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRVOLqvXNmg
Homework
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Some lovely work Michael- well done! You’ve used the letter format and structure well, including things such as an address and date, and thinking carefully about what each line of the letter should communicate. You have thought about giving some really important reasons for why you need the superhero to get involved and have used some fab techniques such as emotive language when you beg him for his help. To make this even better, could you try out using some more persuasive techniques such as rhetorical questions or alliteration to make your argument even more powerful? Overall super work well done 🙂
Spelling:
*disastrous
*too much trouble
*villain
*scared
*begging
*yours sincerely
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Hi Beth,
Here is my work for week three.
Yours sincerely,
James Luo
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<p style=”text-align: right;”>James Luo</p>
<p style=”text-align: right;”>Kidmore Road,</p>
<p style=”text-align: right;”>Reading</p>
Dear Professor Molly,I am writing to you because there is a huge problem in my town that we need you to come and fix.
First, I need you to come and undo this unhygienic problem. Everybody is not washing their hands, not cleaning up, and eating rotten food!!!
It’s a horrible, disgusting, and yucky situation. It’s horrible, can’t you agree? Of course, it’s horrible because only one illness can spread over the whole world. Remember the last time it got a quarter of the people became ill and we don’t want it happening again! It must make you feel cross.
Maybe you can use some magic to see what’s going on. If you can make those who are not following hygiene have a carrot for their nose that would be perfect.
Please be here as soon as you can.
Yours sincerely,
James Luo
P.S. Rattle the mailbox 5 times, knock on the door twice, and ring the doorbell 10 times.
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Stellar work James- well done! You have used the structure of your letter beautifully, outlining clearly what the problem is and how you would like your superhero to help. I love your use of persuasive techniques such as the rule of three (horrible, disgusting and yucky), emotive language and rhetorical questions. The reason you are asking for help is very imaginative and I love how it connects to your superhero being a professor. Also really creative use of imagery in the line about making people have a carrot for a nose- really entertaining work! I also like your P.S. at the end of the letter adding some lovely detail to your writing. To make this even better, could you use a thesaurus so you aren’t repeating the same words i.e., instead of using horrible three times you could use the word ‘abominable’ or ‘appalling’? Overall very persuasive and inventive writing- well done! 🙂
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Exceptional work Changlun- well done! I absolutely love all the persuasive techniques you have used, from your beautiful rhetorical questions to the fantastic statistics to the really powerful quotation from the chief of the town. You have used amazing figurative language such as alliteration and the simile about the babies being as thin as pencils! Your vocab is stellar, using incredible words such as meagre and debonair and I love the image of the townspeople counting every second of the clock. Well done for using letter structure so well and for your brilliant sign-off as a poor concerned citizen girl. There is also some very evocative and lovely description when you are describing all the jewels that were stolen. To make this even better, remember to proofread for any spelling mistakes. Overall amazing work well done 🙂
Spelling:
* Wonder Woman
*Chief
*sincerely
*diamonds
*the best, most helpful and powerful
*the food shop was gone, it is a disgrace
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Wonderful work Chenxi- well done! Your reason for asking for superhero help is so creative, and I love all the terrifying description of how the spiders are wreaking havoc on the town! You have used some fantastic literary techniques such as the simile “like inside a castle” and “as big as two cars” and a brilliant rhetorical question too. You have used the letter structure beautifully, coming up with a really inventive address, and I love the sign-off of ‘an ordinary little boy’- very emotive! You’ve used a lot of suspense and tension in describing how the spiders came to town and told the story fantastically. To make this even better, could you try out using some more persuasive techniques such as the rule of three or alliteration to make your argument even more powerful? Overall super work well done 🙂
Grammar:
*I hope to hear from you soon
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Lovely work Melanie- well done! You have used the letter structure really well, coming up with such a creative address and thinking about how to format your plea for help fantastically. I love the way you have described the villain using the simile ‘like a monster’ and think you’ve used rhetorical questions, repetition of ‘please’ and emotive language very powerfully to make the superhero feel compelled to get involved. The first line of your letter is so heart-stopping and uses an exclamation mark to make it even more bold. To make this even better, could you try out using some more persuasive techniques such as the rule of three or alliteration to make your argument even more powerful? Overall some fab work well done 🙂
Grammar:
*A villain came and said “I’m going to kill your brother“ to me in a deep voice, like a monster
* Remember to sign your character’s name after yours sincerely i.e.
Yours sincerely,
A worried sister
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Super work Oliver- well done! I love the persuasive techniques you have used in your writing here, from the rule of three in ‘rampage, destroy and conquer’ (amazing vocab by the way!) to the rhetorical question you’ve used and the the threat of telling everyone he is a coward- very powerful work that pulls on the reader’s emotions! You’ve used the format of a letter perfectly to lay out your argument and I really like your idea of calling your villain Badperson- such a great name for a supervillain! To make this even better, could you use some description to describe what you want Superhenry to do in the final lines i.e., ‘you should come to our town tomorrow, soaring through the sky and rain down your fury on Badperson!’ Overall very persuasive letter writing- well done 🙂
Spelling:
*tomorrow
*conquer
* the last sentence needs a bit of rephrasing because it starts ‘if you don’t come to our town’ but doesn’t say what will happen if he doesn’t i.e., If you don’t come to our town tomorrow we will be wiped off the map! However, if you do come we will reward you with all of our gratitude, joy and relief.
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Super creative work Efay- well done! I love your drawing of the stamp and the top and the way you’ve used letter structure to perfectly outline your argument. You have included excellent persuasive techniques such as the rule of three in ‘mad scientists, raging robots and evil aliens’, which uses fab alliteration and paints a powerful picture in the reader’s mind. You have used emotive language beautifully in the line ‘we are counting on you’ and I love the entertaining anecdote about the police running off on a two-year ‘holiday’- such a great detail! Your sign-off as ‘a very very very distressed citizen’ is super effective and uses repetition brilliantly. To make this even better, remember to add some paragraphs in to make it easier to read. Overall incredible work well done 🙂
Spelling:
*you’re probably wondering
*yours sincerely
*distressed citizen
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Such powerful writing Rey- well done! Your language here is brilliant, using really evocative words and phrases such as ‘perish’ and ‘disaster strikes’ to show the urgency of the situation. You have told this story using loads of amazing suspenseful techniques, such as the detail of worrying the message will be deleted which adds lots of tension for the reader. I love how in the first line you reveal they’ve been trying and failing to contact this hero for a while, how you offer to help out, and how you’ve used incredible emotive language such as ‘please rescue our innocent city’ alongside lots of exclamation marks to pull on the reader’s emotions. Also, fantastic city name! To make this even better, could you try out using some more persuasive techniques such as the rule of three or alliteration to make your argument even more powerful? Overall stellar work well done 🙂
Spelling:
*rocket
*yours sincerely
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Summary for Lesson 4
In today’s class we continued our work on persuasive writing, this week thinking about how to write a review. We started with a game of fortunately/unfortunately to help test out our counterargument skills before watching a CBBC video on persuasive review writing. We then learned what a review was, how to structure it, and tried out writing some catchy titles for reviews of our own, which the class did brilliantly. Finally, we learned about ethos, logos and pathos and the class came up with some fantastic examples of these different types of persuasion. Stellar work today class, I can’t wait to read your reviews! Thank you for all the amazing enthusiasm today, see you next time 🙂
Here is the video we watched: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mlka2xBvV5Q&t=118s
Homework
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This is a fantastic review Michael- well done! You have used amazing persuasive language to show the reader how good you think One Republic is and have used a brilliant anecdote about the first time you heard their music and how you started immediately to dance. I love that you have given examples of the best songs for the reader to try and how you have offered a solution to the fact you need Alexa Plus to listen to it- such a great idea! Well done for your passionate and enthusiastic language which makes the reader want to listen to their songs, and for using the structure of a review beautifully to outline your ideas. To make this even better, could you include a few more persuasive techniques? i.e., you could have some rhetorical questions or the rule of three. Overall wonderful work- well done 🙂
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Lovely work Chenxi- well done! I really like how you have structured this review- giving clear and powerful examples of why Didsbury Library is a great place to visit and letting the reader know some key information about the library itself. You’ve used really good examples to persuade the reader why they should visit but have also given some caveats where you explain that you can be fined for not returning books. I also love that you’ve concentrated on the opinions of local residents which gives weight to your opinions and shows that people in Didsbury love this library, making the reader want to visit. To make this even better, could you include a few more persuasive techniques? i.e., you could have some rhetorical questions or an anecdote about a time you visited and how you felt about it. Overall fab work- well done 🙂
Spelling:
*residents
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Brilliant work Yunxi- well done! This is a very enthusiastic and persuasive review that uses lots of colourful language to intrigue the reader. I love the title of your review and the fact you give it ten out of five stars which I thought was very funny. You have used the New York Times bestseller list to back up your opinion and have summarised the novel wonderfully (also I love the joke about having to make the word BOOM smaller because the explosion is too big otherwise). You have made a clear recommendation for the reader and have even said there is nothing you didn’t like- amazing! To make this even better, could you use a quotation from the book to back up your ideas? Overall amazing work well done 🙂
Grammar:
* This book has gone to be on the New York Times bestseller list.
* glitter falls on the stage
*I really appreciated this book for those who might want to read it
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Incredible work James- well done! You have structured this book review beautifully and I really like the subheadings you have chosen that intrigue the reader into reading on. Fab use of pictures to draw the reader in and I really like that you’ve considered the age range this book is appropriate for. Your opening rhetorical question is such a brilliant way to open this review and I love the persuasive language of ‘you will not want to miss out on this book!’. You have summarised the book really well and I love how you have critiqued specific moments in the book (such as the pencil moment) whilst also thinking about the role of illustrations and how a lack of them can broaden your imagination- outstanding ideas! To make this even better, remember to analyse what makes the book good whilst you are summarising it i.e., They raised a huge battle with the evil twin and the Watchers- who make for excellent villains, creating a sinister atmosphere. Overall wonderful work well done 🙂
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Lovely work Oliver- well done! I love your tight focus on genre throughout this review, clearly thinking about the audience who would like this book and how action, adventure and quests all play into the plot of these books. You have used the structure of your review beautifully, with an amazing alliterative title that uses then rule of three, a star rating and some fab subheadings. I also really like your use of persuasive language where you warn the reader they will miss out if they don’t read these books, and the opening line which persuades people exactly what they will get from these stories. Also a fantastic summary- just remember to say which books they are (Percy Jackson). To make this even better, can you think of any points that maybe weren’t so good in the book or would discourage certain readers from reading them? i.e., people who get scared easily? Overall fantastic work well done 🙂
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Outstanding work Changlun- well done! This is such a detailed, persuasive and musical review, showing a deep understanding of the process that goes into songwriting and beautifully outlining many different reasons to listen to it- from the key signature to the tempo. You’ve used brilliant persuasive techniques such as rhetorical questions, statistics, emotive language and even the fantastic simile about it being as likable as chocolate. You have used the review structure perfectly, including an eye-catching title, a star rating, and a strong and compelling recommendation at the end. I also love the line “even toddlers could count the simple numbers” and think the way you have described the song brings it to life vividly on the page, using technical music language to analyse the song and its themes. To make this even better, you could include what the genre of this song is and who the main audience of it would be. Overall excellent writing well done 🙂
Spelling:
*C major
*steady and balanced
*rhyme
*spread
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Lovely work Efay- well done! I love the pun you’ve used in your title and think the way you open with a rhetorical question pulls the reader in beautifully, intriguing them and offering them loads of information about the genre of the comic. Your review is really funny and entertaining, using lots of great play on words such as puptastic and five out of five paws, and exclamation marks to make the tone exciting. You’ve included a fantastic summary of the comic and great information about the author. To make this even better, could you think about telling us who would like the comic the best, i.e., which audience you recommend? i.e., ‘all kids from ages 6-12 will love this comic, particularly if you like laughing until you roll around on the floor’. Overall wonderful review writing well done 🙂
Spelling:
*colourful
*younger
*scenes
*awesome
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Some great work Melanie- well done! I love how you have used personal stories (anecdotes) to help persuade the reader and how you’ve used such enthusiastic and emotive language to connect to the reader and make them feel involved. You’ve talked about the genre and intended audience beautifully and I love how the last line of your review gives a clear recommendation to the reader that it is a VERY good idea to buy it. Your idea to include comments from your friends on the book is super effective and I really like that you’ve spoken about what the book teaches you as well- fantastic work! To make this even better, could you put some subheadings in your review to keep the structure nice and tight? i.e., you could have one heading ‘What this book taught me’ and one saying ‘My recommendation’ or ‘Other people’s opinions’. Overall wonderful writing well done 🙂
Grammar:
* I read this SD book many times
*Somersaults
* Remember to capitalise the name of the book i.e., Somersaults and Dreams, Going for Gold (check the cover to help you see which words need capital letters)
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Lovely work Rey- well done! You have structured this review fantastically, thinking about opening with a summary to let the reader know what they are getting into and using some fab vocab such as encountered too! You have considered the genre of the book beautifully, digging into the action and comedic parts of the film, and you’ve included some great ideas about the best and worst parts of the film. Great use of a star rating and an overall recommendation too- I love the drawings at the top that illustrate the review brilliantly! To make this even better could you include some more persuasive techniques i.e., a rhetorical question or rule of three (i.e., this film is action-packed, exciting and hilarious)? Overall wonderful ideas well done 🙂
Spelling:
*magic
*stuff would be easy
*tentacles
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Summary for Lesson 5
In today’s lesson we focused on descriptive writing, thinking about creating a school for magicians based on Hogwarts. We started by thinking about how we would describe Hogwarts, watching a clip from Harry Potter , and thinking about how the characters in the book interpret their new school. We looked at a descriptive passage by J.K. Rowling and the class then planned their own ideas for a school for magicians, using a fact file to come up with lots of different features of the school and who their main character was going to be. Lovely work today everyone- I loved seeing all the passion and enthusiasm you had. Well done, it was great to hear all your fantastic ideas. See you next week 🙂
Homework
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Stellar work Yunxi- well done! You have used such vivid imagery here to paint a picture of what a spell-binding and fascinating setting this school is. I love your references to Harry Potter and think you have used some excellent magical details, such as phoenixes and endless staircases. You have focused on the senses beautifully, thinking about what your narrator can smell, taste, touch, hear and feel, and I really like your use of exclamation marks throughout to emphasise their wonder and amazement. To make this even better, remember to keep your tenses consistent- if you start in the past tense, don’t switch to present in the middle i.e., ‘it is a pheonix’ should be ‘it was’. Also could you add some literary techniques like a simile? Overall some lovely writing- well done 🙂
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Imaginative work Chenxi- well done! I love all the details you have included in this piece, writing beautifully about the magical games and coming up with some excellent and creative ideas for how these games function. I love the exclamation ‘NO, this is a magic school!’ which shows the narrator’s joy and pride towards their school. You have used lots of great magical vocab such as transfiguration, charm and potion and I love the simile about his neck extending like a giraffe. To make this even better, could you add some more description, like in a story? i.e., ‘As I walked up to the school, I saw puffs of wispy green smoke rising from the copper chimneys’. Overall lovely work well done 🙂
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Exceptional work Oliver- well done! I absolutely love how you have communicated the emotions of the character throughout your description, with a mix of fear, wonder and amazement. You have used beautiful literary techniques i.e., looked like ants, and your description is so evocative and vivid that I feel as if I am there. Amazing story-telling & I love the idea of the ‘out of order’ lift that shoots you upwards to the school- such a great magical detail! You have shown the magnificent size of the school brilliantly through your narrator’s description of the school stretching into the clouds and I love your description of the teachers and how it uses the rule of three- mean, strict, rough. To make this even better, could you use a thesaurus to include some advanced vocab i.e., changing the word ‘nice’ to affable? Overall stunning work well done 🙂
Spelling:
*Heights (the second time you use it)
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Incredible work Changlun- well done! Your story-telling here is so powerful and I absolutely love the description you weave throughout the plot- showcasing the emerald houses and the gothic architecture of the school amazingly. The description of the school, with beautiful similes such as the windows fluttering like butterfly wings, is so evocative I can picture it in front of me. I love the magical elements you have included and think the idea to name the houses after vegetables is great and adds an amazing sense of humour- so does the funny joke about Ellie thinking of burgers! Fab vocab too, such as scoundrels! To make this even better, could you include even more advanced vocab, using a thesaurus to help you? Overall brilliant work well done 🙂
Spelling:
* emerald
*teeny
*easily
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Wonderful work Efay- well done! I love how you have woven story-telling and description together, creating such a vivid sense of your narrator’s emotions bleeding into the way they describe their settings. You have used some stellar vocab, such as nauseous, and I love the line “the warmth ensured her to step forward”- amazing personification! You have described the school beautifully, with the alliteration of towering turrets, and your choice of verbs- i.e., jerked, bounded- gives the reader a brilliant mental picture of what is going on. I also love your characterisation of Robin who acts as our eyes and ears. To make this even better, could you include some more literary techniques such as similes or metaphors? Overall fantastic work well done 🙂
Spelling:
*Friends
*Nauseous
*Aboard
*Proceed
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Exciting work James- well done! I love the way you have told this story, creating such a brilliant atmosphere of excitement and wonder through the use of techniques such as onomatopoeia (POW!) and beautiful descriptions such as ‘long, pearly, white beard’. The reference to Harry Potter is great and I love how there is a sense of foreshadowing when Professor Popcorn pulls the narrator back to give them a warning. The first sentence throws us straight into the action and gives us a buzz of adrenaline, mirroring the narrator’s emotions. I also love the way you have combined both storytelling and description to create a magical environment and strong imagery. To make this even better, could you include some more literary techniques such as similes or metaphors? Overall fab work well done 🙂
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Wonderful work Rey- well done! You have shown the narrator’s sense of confusion, wonder and joy beautifully through your use of description and story-telling and I love the simile you have used of ‘like stars in the night sky’. You have paced the story brilliantly, having the reader wonder all the same questions as Rob and then opening up the answer to the mystery, i.e., with the flying boats. The magical elements in this story are great, such as the portal, and I really like your idea to explore the world of the school through the conversation between Rob and Madgrin- the dialogue you have used shows their relationship beautifully. To make this even better, could you describe the school itself a little more? Overall excellent work well done 🙂
Spelling & grammar:
*money
*remember you need a new line for when a new person starts talking
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Summary for Lesson 6
In today’s class we finished our work on descriptive writing, thinking about how to use lots of different techniques to create the most vivid writing possible. We began by looking at a video full of great tips and spoke about cliches, what they are, and how to avoid them. We spoke about how emotion can change the way we describe things- i.e., a forest described in a scary way vs. an adventurous one. The class did some excellent cliche-busting, coming up with original metaphors and similes, and we learned top tips for this genre of writing. Finally the class completed some amazing descriptive pieces based on a picture- wonderful writing everyone! You all worked really hard today, well done for your brilliant ideas and I’ll see you soon 🙂
Video we watched: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSoRzTtwgP4&t=3s
Online thesaurus: https://www.thesaurus.com/
Homework
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Imaginative work Chenxi- well done! I love the idea of your discovery being based around mystical animals and think the vocab and punctuation you have used is amazing, well done for using a semi-colon! The title of your piece is super exciting and uses alliteration beautifully and I love all the different settings you have chosen- from the ocean to Africa- creating a lovely sense of contrast. The connection to prehistoric animals is really interesting and the final lines are very powerful in showing the reader your overall point. To make this even better, could you include a little more description of what these animals looked like i.e., “its skin colour is unusual compared with other rhinos, shining like a pearl inside an oyster’s mouth”. Overall lovely ideas well done 🙂
Grammar:
* Remember to use the same tense throughout, you start in past tense (I went) but then switch into present tense (it has)
*I saw the news say
* Two gigantic rocks that seemed like a mouth
* They were woken up
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Incredible work Changlun- well done! Your description here is so amazingly vivid with lines such as “dingy as a supernova” and “like absorbing blood” adding a beautiful sense of sophistication to the scene. You have used some exceptional vocabulary and literary techniques, using really interesting imagery to help paint a brilliant picture in the reader’s mind. You have structured this story really well with such an exciting opening that throws the reader into the heart of the action and the ending leaves us on a fantastically dramatic moment (I love the repetition of CUT CUT CUT). I love all the similes too, they are really imaginative and fresh! To make this even better, could you include some advanced punctuation such as a semi-colon to connect two sentences together? Overall very impressive work well done
Spelling:
*Cylinders
*I was mesmerised
*Chasing
*Panicked
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Gorgeous description Oliver- well done! The story of this discovery is captivating, drawing the reader in with the fantastic description of the setting and the ancient city. I love the similes you have used such as “as thick as lion skin” which is a really original piece of writing. You have used suspense beautifully, like in the end of paragraph one which leaves the reader on a cliff-hanger. Your sensory language is really vivid & you have chosen some great words to communicate the narrator’s movements such as “hacking”. To make this even better, could you think about how to finish the piece of description so it doesn’t just cut off- maybe with a reflection or a cliff-hanger i.e., “as I stood there in front of it, I realised my life would never be the same”. Overall amazing work well done 🙂
Grammar:
*the last part of the bushes
*Ripped off
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Super impressive work Efay- well done! This piece is so entertaining and fun to read, I love the comparisons you make like the triple deluxe tuna sandwich one which is such an original idea. I really love the way you open into the story with the reader not knowing why Rex is so pleased with himself and think the listing technique of “He was the big cheese. A winner” is brilliant! Your illustrations are really funny and wonderful to look at and I really enjoyed your description of Rex’s face too which is an amazing image To make this even better, could you include a little more description of the fossil and what it looked like? i.e., “the fossil was cut into pieces like a long-forgotten birthday cake, blood red around the edges”. Overall excellent work well done 🙂
Spelling:
*archaeologist
*Fulfilled
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Hi Beth, please find attached Rey’s work. Apologies for the minuscule hand writing. We do keep reminding him to write bigger
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No worries!
Exciting work Rey- well done! Your vocabulary here is really impressive, using some excellently chosen imagery to help the reader vividly picture the scene. I love how you have structured this story, beginning with the discovery and leading us through the narrator’s journey to show people what they have found and then ending on a wonderful cliff-hanger. The alliteration of “scrambled symbols” is really effective and I love how you have used dialogue to show not tell the reaction from the crowd. You have used emotive writing fantastically- particularly when describing the dad’s speechlessness which shows us the enormity of this discovery. To make this even better, could you add some literary techniques such as similes or metaphors i.e., “the wall was as yellow as an old man’s teeth”? Overall amazing work well done 🙂
Spelling:
*archaeologist
*opened
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Summary for Lesson 7
In today’s class we started our poetry work, focusing on Lewis Carroll’s Jabberwocky poem. We learned about what makes a poem a poem, practiced using poetic techniques and also spoke about iambic pentametre. The students came up with their own examples of this before we watched the poem being read out loud and the class created some amazing Jabberwocky-inspired poetic lines of their own. We then did some questions analysing the poem and finally looked at an annotated version of it. Amazing and passionate work today everyone- well done for all your wonderful poetry! Keep up the brilliant ideas 🙂
Jabberwocky video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLQos7-Vq8M
What makes a poem a poem video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwhouCNq-Fc
Homework
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Amazing work Changlun- well done! I absolutely love the nonsense language you have made up and think the way you have used rhythm and rhyme is brilliant, creating a lovely flow to the poem. There are some wonderful images in the poem- such as the quicksand, diamonds, blood, worms and statues- creating a mystical atmosphere and really strong pictures in the reader’s brain. I love that you have told a story with this poem and how you have planned out the different stages of the tale, and I also really enjoyed the repetition of the ending- such a powerful way to end this poem and a great use of exclamation. Also amazing vocab such as potent and inferno and brilliant similes too! Really fun, inventive and exciting work- very well done 🙂
Spelling:
*horses
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Wonderful poetry writing Chenxi- well done! I absolutely love the story you have told here and the way you have neatly integrated your very own nonsense words, giving the poem an amazing sense of rhythm throughout with lines such as “tum tum” providing a beat. You have used poetic structure wonderfully, playing around with the rhyme scheme and internal rhyme such as in “searched, and merched/ and jerked, and perched”. I really enjoyed your use of word sounds through words such as “gwamp” which give the piece such a lively feeling and really enjoyed the fact that you have a moral to the story at the end, with the boy realising that what really mattered was having his dog back. Also- lovely use of a GIF at the end! Overall amazing, fun and creative writing well done 🙂
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Amazing poetry Efay- well done! I really love the nonsense words you have made up and how you have managed to include this with such a clear sense of plot and story-telling- fabulous work! You’ve used poetic techniques such as rhyme beautifully, and have thought carefully about the beat and rhythm of this poem too, which I can see in lines such as “hither and dither” which use word sound excellently to create a strong beat. I love the gruesome imagery you have used such as “left to rot” and “slay” and really enjoyed how you used the original poem to inspire you, thinking about tales of knights and monsters. Finally, really inventive use of language that gives the poem a vibrant and original feeling to it- fab work! Overall wonderful writing well done 🙂
Spelling:
*turned
*there
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Wonderful poetry Oliver, well done! I really enjoyed the amazing nonsense language you used and how you used poetic techniques such as repetition (clawer this, clawer that) and rhyme such as in the first four lines. The ending is really mysterious and foreboding (the images of the animals waiting for years is a very sad one!) and you’ve also used some amazing metaphorical language such as burning eyes of flame. The story you’ve told here fits beautifully into the fantastical genre just like the original and has a great sense of rhythm to it, particularly through the use of techniques such as the rule of three in “years, years and years”. Fantastic use of vocab too, with words such as unbearable and unstoppable highlighting how terrifying the Clawer is. Overall fantastic writing well done 🙂
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Hi Beth This is my homework from week 6.
When I Started To Play Nintendo Switch
When I Started to playNintendo switch, I loved it. I always be the character “Baby Rosalina,” that’s my lucky character. There is a problem, the problem is that Baby Rosalina keeps on getting bumped by the green, red and blue shells, the red ones the Koopa shell which came from the King of the Koopas, calledBowser, the evilest thing on earth. Although Baby Rosalina is not REALLY scared of the green and red ones, the one that she’s most scared of is the blue spiky shell. The blue one is very scary, it will spin upon your head when it gets to anyone in front of the person who throughs it, The blue shells are loud as an earthquake, the white spikes on it’s head are needles, IT’s face is slug- ugly. This game is called Mario Kart, it was invented in 1992. Mario Kart has three different games which is grand prix, VS race and battle there’s different kinds of battles such as renegade roundup, balloon battle, shine tied and LOTS more.Overall I always lose so I don’t have to say that much.
THE END
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Some lovely ideas Melanie, well done! You have included lots of great setting description of Mario Kart with lots of amazing dynamic descriptions of colours, movements and climactic events in the game. I really liked your use of exaggeration (i.e., the evilest thing on earth) and capitalisation (i.e., REALLY), and thought the simile “loud as an earthquake” was super evocative. Well done for your exciting re-telling of how the game spins this way and that, which makes the reader feel as if they are in the game themselves. Also the phrase “slug-ugly” is super funny! To make this even better, just remember to stick to the prompt a little more closely which for this week was about making a discovery. Maybe you could write about discovering something in a Mario Kart game? Overall colourful work well done 🙂
Grammar:
*I would always be
*The person who goes through it
*Its head/ its face
*Three different games which are
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Hi Beth, please find attached Rey’s homework for week 7. Thanks for always always being encouraging and positive with Rey’s work
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No worries at all! 🙂
Incredible work Rey, well done! I absolutely love your use of sibilance (repeated ‘s’ sounds) throughout the poem which give the poetry such an amazing sense of rhythm and a brilliantly creepy and foreboding atmosphere. You have used rhyme beautifully to create poetic punctuation marks such as the pause on the word “prey” which is super effective. The imagery is really mythical and dark which draws brilliantly from the original poem with some amazingly vivid lines such as “the last piece of rotten meat (or flesh) will get snickered away”. Fantastic use of similes such as “sharp as a sword” and there is an abundance of really great alliteration throughout (even in the title itself!), giving the poem a gorgeous sense of movement. Great storytelling and scene-setting and a really original and wonderful poem- well done 🙂
Spelling:
*Piece
*Dangerous
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Stellar poetry writing Yunxi- well done! Your original and creative use of nonsense language here makes the poem so colourful and exciting and I really enjoyed how you kept a sharp focus on word sounds in lines such as “swishing, swoof” creating an amazing sense of rhythm through the use of sibilance (repeated ‘s’ sounds). You have threaded a very fantastical and exciting story through the poem using poetic techniques such as repetition and exclamation (i.e., “Meise! Meise!) to give the poem loads of amazing climactic moments. Fantastic use of rhyme scheme and also a brilliant four-line per stanza structure that works really well for the rhythm of your writing. I love how you have used the original poem as inspiration, telling your own story through the fantasy world that Carroll creates. Overall fabulous work, well done 🙂
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Summary for Lesson 8
In today’s class we continued our work on poetry, thinking about poetic pattern, symbols & metaphors and Roald Dahl’s poetry. The class completed a speed rhyming exercise to warm up before creating some excellent symbols and metaphors and we then read and analysed one of Roald Dahl’s Revolting Rhymes poems. They then used this to inspire their own ideas and poetry beautifully, coming up with fantastic ideas for how to use this poem as an influence on their own poetry. Finally we touched on different types of poetry and looked at some other poetic techniques to include. Amazing and imaginative work everyone- well done for your wonderful poetry analysis and contributions throughout the class. I can’t wait to read your poems! see you next week 🙂
Little Red Riding Hood poem: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3uVQIhSYfY
Poetic pattern video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URuMb15CWJs
Homework
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Lovely poetry writing Chenxi, well done! I loved your use of rhyme scheme throughout which gave the poem a sing-song feel that reflected the fun and relaxed tone of the tory fantastically. You have thought carefully about how to re-tell the poem but in your own original way, thinking about the success of the three little pigs over the big bad wolf. I also love the line about them being bully pigs who never listened to anybody- such a funny image! You have used some great fairy-tale imagery such as plains far away and I love your use of illustrations too. To make this even better, could you also include some dark imagery like Roald Dahl does in his poem, i.e., maybe they come across the big bad wolf and do something terrible… Overall fabulous work well done 🙂
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Haha- absolutely brilliant work Efay! Your rhyme scheme in this is phenomenal, leading the poem on a fantastic rhythmic journey. I love the switch between Goldilocks being on the run and the bears being on the run at the end, what a great use of structure! Fantastic story-telling and use of a plot twist in the tale, with the line “for there stood men in iron clad” providing a gorgeous moment when the story suddenly twists around. I really enjoyed your opening stanza which uses rhyme and imagery to fit the fairy-tale genre beautifully and how this then all changes when Goldilocks arrives on the scene with the police behind her- such an entertaining idea- also I love the onomatopoeic repetition of “clonk, clonk”. To make this even better, could you include a metaphor or simile? Overall amazing work well done 🙂
Spelling:
*Porridge
*Before the police found the chairs
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Happy Halloween!
Phenomenal work Changlun- well done! I absolutely love the way you have told this story, using rhyme beautifully to create a rhythmic flow to the poem and dotting in brilliant moments from the original (such as mirror, mirror on the wall) then twisting it all around with your own fantastic additions, (such as when all the modern twist in the tale, the seven dwarfs being more sinister or the sweets nearly killing her!). Your figurative language is super (I love the simile “as evil as flies”) and the imagery you use is super Roald Dahl i.e., making her heart into a soup! To make this even better, I would love to see you continue the rhyme scheme throughout the whole poem- there are a few moments near the end where it slips a little. Overall amazing ideas well done 🙂
Grammar:
*The king loved her very much indeed
*Served food from a basket
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Hi Beth, PFA Rey’s work. There are 2 versions, the original V1 in a story format and the amended V2 in poem format. Rey struggled with rhyming so V2 is a short poem
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Lovely work Rey, well done! I think sometimes if you struggle a little with rhyme etc it’s a great idea to write it as a story first and then use rhyme zone and your mum’s help to transform it into a poem- that way you get to think through it carefully as you go and come up with lots of great plotlines. The story is really fun and entertaining and you’ve then transformed it into an amazing rhyming poem with some really cool rhymes such as beans and protein! You’ve come up with some great characters and I really enjoyed the plot line of the story with them setting up a restaurant together, fantastic ideas! To make this even better, could you include some literary techniques such as a simile or metaphor in the poem i.e., “on opening night, Jack shone like a star/ “oh Stalk” he exclaimed, “we’ve come so far!”. Overall wonderful writing well done 🙂
Spelling:
*restaurant
*protein
*remember to think about tense, here you switch between past and present. Try to keep it consistent
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Brilliant poetry writing Yunxi, well done! Your rhyme scheme is fantastic throughout and gives the poem a beautiful sense of rhythm, and I love how you use poetic structure to tell the story, with each stanza unveiling a new plot point. Your use of figurative language is fab, such as the rain sounding like a clown, and you’ve used some excellent vocab too, such as the word foe. Your imagery is really vivid throughout and I loved how you used dialogue to show not tell key moments in the poem. To make this even better, could you put a Roald Dahl-style twist in the plot of this story i.e., maybe the princess is furious about the pea and plots her evil revenge… Overall amazing work, well done 🙂
Grammar:
*remember to think about what tense you are in, sometimes you are in present (pours down) and sometimes you go into past tense (came a knock). Try to be consistent with your tense
*smiled gently
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Summary for Lesson 9
In today’s class we began our work on myths and legends, thinking today about what separates a myth from a legend and digging into lots of different ideas for how the class can create their own. We started off with the class sharing their own amazing knowledge of myths and legends before focusing on the difference between these, fables and fairy-tales. We then talked about examples of legendary heroes from history and the class created their own heroes for a myth or legend. We learned the myth of the Giant’s Causeway in Ireland and finally used this as inspiration for our own mythological stories. Incredible work today class, well done for all your enthusiastic and exciting ideas. Keep up the brilliant story-telling and see you next time 🙂
Giant’s Causeway video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQbyVYUob1o
Myths & legends video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hps4nnNbLFc
Ted-Ed myth channel: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLoJNElPqhNdDOvX6zqQswntgeTMd7i39n
Rama & Sita: https://www.bbc.co.uk/teach/school-radio/assemblies-ks1-ks2-festivals-diwali-rama-and-sita/zc84cmn
Myths & legends link: http://www.history-for-kids.com/myths-and-legends.html
Homework
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Summary for Lesson 10
In today’s lesson we completed our final lesson of the course and finished our work on myths and legends. We worked at learning lots of different features that this genre should include i.e., gods, distant places, moral lessons, and the class planned some amazing stories. We learned the tale of Odysseus and did a chose-your-own adventure activity trying to help solve his problems. Really wonderful work everyone, well done for all your brilliant, creative and vibrant ideas over the past ten weeks. It has been so great working with you all and you should be super proud of all your hard work, it has been so much fun having our lessons together. Keep up the fantastic work and see you next time 🙂
Video we watched that can help with homework: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DO6sVyB15pg
Homework
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Dear Beth
Thanks for the nice teaching. Here is my work:
“Once upon a time, there is a young boy called Alicstan. His extraordinary characters are immortal life, turning invisible and stay awake for two weeks. He lives in a small village on top of an enormous hill.
He wants to go down the hill every day, but he cannot, as the hill is too steep, so no child is allowed to go down the hill without a grownup.
One day, he found a plan. He told all the grownups, it is too natural if the hill does not have a road or a street, but grownups refuse his suggestion. Alicstan has to find another way.
Another day, he saw a group of grownups are ready to go down the hill. So he think “If I can turn into invisible and …, that’s it, I can turn other children into invisible too. So we can all sneak down the hill with those grownups. Then those grownups do not know all invisible children are following them.”
But Alicstan still needs to find method to turn other children into invisible like him.
The next day, Alicstan found a magic plant that can turns itself into invisible. “If other children eat this plant, they might turn into invisible as well.” So Alicstan gave the plants to all other children in the village, and they are ready to go down the hill.
The day is coming, when grownups gather and prepare to go down the hill, all children are turn into invisible and follow them. At the beginning, no grownup notices them, a few moments later, one child stepped on a rock and the rock tumbled down. One grownup heard the sound of the tumbling rock and thought “what on earth was that”. All grownups stopped and guessed Alicstan might turn into invisible and followed them going down the hill. they turned back and walk the opposite way.
The children realised they have been found. Alicstan told them run back to the village before the grownups found out. But when they arrived the village, all grownups are waiting them at the outside of the village.Alicstan told the grownups all children really wants to go down the hill without grownups. Grownups lock all the children into a hole as a punishment. But after two weeks, grownups found that it is quite boring without children in the village. They think it should be OK to let the children down the hill by themselves. They released all children from the hole, and from then, all children are allowed to go down the hill without grownups.”
Many thanks
Chenxi
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Incredible work Chenxi, well done! I love the tone of this piece which fits so beautifully with the myths and legends genre and thought the pacing of the story was perfect, putting the reader in suspense and then delivering lots of drama at the climax. The central story uses the idea of children vs. grownups really well and I think it’s such a great idea to have the whole conflict revolve around wanting to go down the hill, which could be seen as a metaphor for independence or growing up. I really liked that you had Alicstan try out lots of different methods to meet his aim before finding the one that worked, which works perfectly for the genre, and thought your writing style was lovely and sophisticated. To make this even better, could you add some more literary techniques i.e., similes, metaphors, personification? Overall wonderful writing well done 🙂
Grammar:
*Be careful with your tense. You start in past tense then switch to present a few times. Decide what tense you want and then try to stick to it throughout. For example, “One day, he found a plan” is in past tense, but “Alicstan has to find another way” is in present. So you need to change “has” to “had”
*His extraordinary characteristics are immortal life, turning invisible and staying awake for two weeks
*Remember to include articles such as “a” and “the” i.e., the grownups refused, find a method
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Exquisite writing Efay, well done! The way you have set this story up is so beautifully mythological, and I love how the first paragraph uses a listing technique to separate this animal from the rest of the animal kingdom, matching the tone of mythology really well. I love that you keep the identity of the creature secret until the final paragraph- fab use of suspense- and really enjoyed the gorgeous emotive language when you are describing how these creatures are starving, waving their arms (which then become wings) and trying to impress those around them, such a sad and moving image. You’ve drawn some great illustrations at the bottom and well done for using a rhetorical question at the end too! To make this even better, could you add some more literary techniques i.e., similes, metaphors, personification? Overall wonderful story-telling, well done 🙂
Spelling:
*Their
*That they were too lazy to hunt
*aquatic
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Lovely work Melanie, well done! I really loved your use of literary techniques such as onomatopoeia (“CHRUSH!”) and repetition (“gulp, gulp gulp”) and I thought the dark twist at the end of your piece was absolutely genius, so Roald Dahl-inspired and disturbing! A really excellent plot twist! You’ve told this story beautifully and have even used things such as a semi-colon to add to the sophistication of your writing. You have matched the tone of fairytales really well with your writing style, which adds to the shock reveal at the end when the bears start laughing ominously… To make this even better, could you put it into the structure of a poem i.e., with stanzas and lines and some poetic techniques such as alliteration or rhyme? Overall really exciting work Melanie, well done! 🙂
Grammar:
*Remember to keep your tenses consistent, you are switching between present and past here i.e., “there are three little bears” is in present, whereas “she ate all the porridge” is in past tense. Pick one tense and stick to it throughout (stories are usually in past tense)
*baby bear’s chair/ baby bear’s bed
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Beautiful mythological writing Rey, well done! I absolutely love the story you have told and how you have taken a sad ending and transformed it into a lovely story about memory and reflection. The tone you have used is perfect for this genre of writing and I really enjoyed the incredible characters you invented. The description of the sorcerer is so vivid and terrifying and paints him as the baddie of the story fantastically, and I really liked how you used characters from Greek mythology i.e., Cerberus, to inspire your tale. To make this even better, could you add a little more description to make it even more vivid, in which you could use some literary techniques such as similes or metaphors i.e., when describing the entrance to the portal? Overall fab work well done 🙂
Spellings:
*princesses
*monstrous
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