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It was almost the end of 2019 and I was in my last year of Kindergarten. One day, I heard a sound by the door,“ Who might be?” I wondered.
A Go teacher came into our classroom. The Go teacher brought in a Go chess board and some Go checkers. Normally, the checkers were black and white with nothing on it. However, the Go teacher brought in red and blue checkers withrabbit faces on them!
“ Hello, guys!” introduced the teacher.
He attracted all of our attentions.
He taught the class all the simple rules and techniques. I could remember all of them at the back of my head. It was truly easy! The teacher also said that he would give us each a Go card at the end of each lesson.
At the end of the first class, I got my first card. There were stars and questions on the card. I didn’t know what it meant at that time but I still liked it a lot. My friends and I talked cheerfully and happily about the Go chess lesson and cards we got. When I got home, I shared the card with my family. My brother was fascinated and liked it very much.
One and a half year passed, I was in Primary 2 now. One day, my Mum asked me if I was interested in learning Go. I was really happy, I replied yes immediately. When I went into my new Go chess classroom, I saw someone that I recognized. It was my sister’s friend’s brother. His name was Jamie and he was also in Primary 2. I sat down on my seat. I was excited and nervous at the same time.
In the first class, my new Go teacher taught me the techniques that I already knew. If I got the answer correctly then I would have one point. She said that if we had one hundred points, we would have a pack of Go cards. If there were more stars on the card, it meant the question on it was harder.
I learnt a technique named Ladder. It was so cool! After class, I rushed home and taught my little brother, Henry, all the technique I learnt so far.
There was an app that we could play Go chess on the internet. There were questions too! It was also able to level up. It could also see how many games you lost and how many games you won. It was so fun and exciting! I love it very much!
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Brilliant work, Lulu!
This is a wonderful section from your autobiography. You did a great job at using all the features (i.e. first person) and the story is incredibly exciting.
To improve, you could think about ways to directly address the reader and engage them (i.e. asking them questions such as ‘What would you have done?’).
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Nice work, Claire!
You have clearly given an insight into what happens in a typical day-in-your-life. You also did a great job at using the features of an autobiography (i.e. chronological order).
To improve, you could think about a particularly exciting day to write about as this will interest the reader.
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My trip to Timezone
Timezone is going to be one of my favourite locations to go to. I went to Timezone many times at different locations and had lots of fun there! Once, I went to Timezone that had just opened in our neighbourhood but the arcade games there were so much more different and exciting! There was a bowling alley, a virtual reality machine, many racing games, plenty of shooting games, and a variety of other entertaining games. I went to try all of the shooting games first as I am very interested in guns and games related to guns, for example, Fortnite, Pubg, Apex Legends, and Call of duty. After the first and second shooting game, I came across a very scary shooting game. The objective is to kill as many zombies as possible and explode the bomb at the end to win and kill all the zombies. It was so realistic that I started to imagine that the zombies were real! The game was pretty much impossible too. After I loss the game, I did not feel like playing it again as I felt that it was pretty violent and inappropriate for small kids under seven years old. I felt like playing racing games. In fact, it was not hard at all! I won every single race and played some other arcade machine games after I got bored of winning. After what looked like an eternity, I ran out of money in my card and could not play anymore. It was a very wonderful day for me and I went home tired, but overjoyed.
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Lovely work, Sean!
This is a wonderful section from your autobiography. You get across a real sense of who you are and have given lots of brilliant details that help the reader visualize what this experience was like for you.
To improve, you could give a bit more information about when in your life this happened (i.e. how old were you).
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Nice work, Bella!
This is a lovely section from your autobiography. You have given lots of very important details about your life and enable the reader to form a strong impression of you.
To improve, you could think about choosing one particular, exciting day and write about this in order to really intrigue the reader.
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Soaring majestically in the warm currents of air, the eagle flexed her mighty wings in a demonstration of power and agility. She enjoyed these early morning flights as the sun began to rise and the earth warmed to the touch of its rays. The air was fresh and clear up here in the mountains – it was going to be a glorious day. as she swooped and swirled idly, she spotted a flicker of movement among the spruce trees below. Folding her wings, she plummeted earthwards, gathering a speed unmatched by any other creature on this mountain. As she neared the swift approaching ground, she stretched and turned, talons extended. What was it that she had spied only seconds ago?
As the eagle landed on the ground, she caught sight of the creature moving from tree to tree. Her thoughts deepened” Could it be a rabbit? Could it be a deer? The eagle flew up a nearby tree to take a better look at the unknown creature. It was a man holding a Sniper rifle! As the eagle flew up the mountain, she saw a deer running frantically towards the opposite direction of the man.
After a minute or so of spectating, the eagle suddenly heard a loud noise from the man.” Bang! Bang! Bang!” The eagle finally figured out that the man was a hunter and is chasing after the deer to hunt it down!
The deer is having a very difficult time right now as it is running out of breath and still, has to dodge all the bullets being fired at it. The eagle wanted to help the poor deer so she flew all the way towards the top of the mountain and to her surprise, she found a small village with a bunch of Romans at the top of the hill!
She immediately flew back down towards the deer and persuaded it to not give up and continue running towards the top of the hill. The deer took her word and reached the top in a jiffy and due to it being so tired, it clashed onto the ground in an instant.
After what looked like an eternity, the hunter finally reached the top of the mountain but to his surprise, all the Romans were already there waiting to attack the cruel hunter with their spears. In no time at all, the Romans threw their spears at the hunter at the same time and killed him.
Afterwards, the Romans took good care of the deer and they even trained it to do tricks! The deer lived happy ever after and did not need to worry about any hunters anymore!
( The End)
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Wonderful work, Sean!
This is a fantastic continuation of the story. You have done a wonderful job of taking inspiration from the text you have been given and taking down a path that is incredibly exciting and gripping for the reader.
To improve, you could also think about using some more similes or metaphors to make your writing even more descriptive.
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Read the passage below. Continue the story.
(Look up the definitions of any words that you are unfamiliar with.)
Soaring majestically in the warm currents of air, the eagle flexed her mighty wings in a demonstration of power and agility. She enjoyed these early morning flights as the sun began to rise and the earth warmed to the touch of its rays. The air was fresh and clear up here in the mountains – it was going to be a glorious day. As she swooped and swirled idly, she spotted a flicker of movement among the spruce trees below. Folding her wings, she plummeted earthwards,gathering a speed unmatched by any other creature on this mountain. As she neared the swift approaching ground, she stretched and turned, talons extended.
What was that she had spied only seconds ago? I didn’t know. I was just guessing. Was it a baby mountain lion hunting with its mother? Or was it a hare that lost its way home? Or was it maybe a mouse? Who knows? I should just wait and see, I thought as I lowered down my binoculars. The eagle was also very aggressive so it was only safe to watch her from a distance. I loved observing animals and would bring a pair of binoculars everywhere.
I stood there like a statue looking at the eagle shooting down to catch its prey. The eagle was as fast as lightning. She caught something brownish and small. However, she flew away quickly after catching the prey. Hence, I couldn’t see what it was. I followed her all the way to her nest. She gave her eaglets the food that she caught. It was a squirrel. A big, fat and dazed squirrel. The squirrel was barley alive after being caught by the eagle! I was wrong. It wasn’t a baby mountain lion hunting with its mother. It wasn’t a hare that lost its way home or a mouse either.
The eagle whistled, “ Twit twit, tar,tarkar!” she went on, “ Twit, twit, gee, tar, tar!!!”
I didn’t know what she meant. I think that she might be telling her young eaglets to eat up. I also guessed that twit, twit was a word that a eagle said in front of any sentence or word. I didn’t know. I wish I could learn more about them. Eagles were one of my favourite creatures of all times. I find them so fascinating.
“ Tink wu, omoter! Lis ni umm!” cried one of the eaglets as he gobbled up part of the squirrel.
This time, something very unusual happened. It was like I understood what the eaglet said!
“Did the eaglet just say ‘Thank you, mother! This is yummy!’?” I muttered to myself. How did I understand what that baby eagle was saying?
“ Correct! Bravo!” called a voice coming from a branch.
“ Who was that talking to me? I must be hallucinating!” i muttered to myself.
“ Hello, human! It was me!” answered the eagle.
“No offence, but I thought you were that mother eagle. Or are you a human in disguise? Sorry but eagles don’t speak English, right?” I asked the eagle.
“ Well, can you keep it a secret? I can tell you everything but please promise not to tell anyone. Not even your family members or your best friend. Okay?” said the eagle.
“ Okay! I will keep it a SECRET ! Who would have thought that today was my lucky day!” I replied joyfully.
“ Basically, I am a very special breed of eagles. We are called Roly-Brown eagles. Look, we have a horn on our head! It is very useful ! This horn allows us to communicate with other creatures that don’t speak Rola-Brola,” whispered the eagle.
“ Um… What is Rola – Brola?” I asked polite fully. I didn’t want the eagle to be offended in anyway.
“ Rola-Brola is the language that we, the Roly-Brown eagles use to communicate with each other,” the eagle explained.
“ okay! I get it! Um… Mrs Eagle? Do you know what time it is now?
“ Yes! I collected a watch somewhere here… It is 13:55 pm. Why do you need the time?”“ Nothing!” I answered,“ Anyways, what is your name?”
“ Tara.” replied the eagle.
“Oh, okay. Hey, Tara, I have to go home. My Mum will be worried about me,so can you use your magic to send me home?” I asked politely.
“ Ha ha! Of course I could! ” Tara giggled.
“ Hey! Can I go home now? I must be home before 2:20.”
“ Of course! ACRACADABRA, COME OUT SHOO!” shouted Tara.
“ Off we go!’’ shouted Tara on top of her voice.
I was home in one minute! My Mum welcomed me home. She hugged me tightly and gave me a big kiss. I waved good bye to Tara and wished that her eaglets could grow up within days. Tara didn’t speak because my mum would know the SECRET ! I wouldn’t feel good if I didn’t tell my Mum the secret. I remembered that my teacher told me laughing was good for my health and I think it would work if I laughed this time. I laughed for minutes. After I stopped laughing, Tara flew off while my Mum gave me another big hug. After seconds, Tara already got back to her nest.
The end
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Beautiful work, Lulu!
This is a wonderfully exciting continuation of the story. You have clearly taken on board the learning that we did and have used the information given to you in the text brilliantly. I particularly enjoy the way you use dialogue in your writing.
To improve, you could also think about using some more imagery in your work to make it even more vivid (i.e. what might they hear, taste, smell, feel?).
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It was a cloudy Monday morning. The sky was crystal clear and leaves were gently falling down to the ground. Lana was picking some of the fallen leaves and put it into her leaf collection. She called it “Lana ’s Best Leaf Collection”. The homework for this holiday was to collect some flowers, such as lilies, sunflowers and roses. The teacher said that the maximum number of jars we could collect was five. Lana loved the homework!
Lana hopped to the garden that she and her friends, Lily, Liz and Lulu shared. It was called “The L Friends Best Garden Ever!” Lana and her family members planted many flowers with Lana’s friend last year. They also planted papaya trees! The papaya would be very sweet and yummy! Lana invited Lily, Liz and Lulu to do the homework with her. It would be the best time of the day! They were all excited!
The girls started doing their homework when they reached the garden. They worked very hard. They already collected three jars within minutes. They worked together on the fourth jar. There was suddenly a dust of wind. They saw a dandelion that was as white as snow floating in the fresh and clean air. There was a red ladybug on it. There were six black dots that were as black as coal. They could hardly believe their eyes!
“ WOW! This is such a beautiful view! It’s so amazing!” they gasped.
“ How is it possible for a ladybug to be on a dandelion?” they wondered.
The wind stopped. The dandelion and the ladybug landed on the bed of soil. The ladybug started crawling. Lana, Liz, Lulu and Lily was terrified. They jumped into the bushes to hide.
The ladybug crawled on a leave and flew off at top speed. The girls tiptoed out of the bushes carefully. They had to do that because they were scared of interrupting insects and pests. The girls placed the dandelion in the soil so that it could grow more dandelion and put it in the fourth and fifth jar.
Fifteen days passed, the girls went to the garden that they shared again. They picked a lot of dandelion and put it in the fourth and fifth jar. They were as happy as a dog with two tails.
“ The homework was finally done!” cheered the girls.
The end
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Lovely work, Lulu!
This is a really endearing and touching story. You have done a fantastic job at using the image as inspiration and have taken lots of key pieces of information from it to use in your writing. The way you finish your story is especially lovely!
To improve, you could also try to use some metaphors and similes to make your writing even more descriptive.
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Lovely work, Claire!
This is a really great story. You have used the titles as inspiration brilliantly and have clearly taken on board the learning that we did in the lesson. Your ending is particularly exciting and shocking!
To improve, you could spend a little bit more time describing the scene to make it even more vivid (i.e. it smelt like damp and there was a harsh chill in the air).
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The Best Christmas!
Introduction
There were once a boy named Stanley Gray. He was always been bullied by others. Bad luck always followed him, he always seemed to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Poor Stanley was always punished for things that he didn’t do. Christmas was around the corner. But Stanley hated festivals. When others were having fun, he was always alone and miserable. Nobody wanted to hang out with freckled Stanley when they could play with their best friends. In the past few years, Christmas always end up as a disaster for Stanley. He gave up on trying to have a good Christmas and decided to go to the book store and read instead. He was reading “ Christmas at L.O.F.” The book had sent Stanley to a land called the Land of Fortune. It was said in the book that every living thing in the Land of Fortune would have good luck. Stanley was making a choice of whether he wanted to stay in the book and have a good Christmas or tried to escape from the book… What will happen at the Land of Fortune? Will Stanley finally have good luck and a good Christmas? Let’s find out together! Happy reading!
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Lovely work, Lulu!
This is a beautiful and very exciting story. You have developed the character of Stanley wonderfully and the way you build suspense for the reader is brilliant. I particularly love the ending of the story!
To improve, you could try adding in some similes or metaphors to make your writing even more descriptive.
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It was a beautiful Sunday morning. The sky was a brilliant blue and the fresh morning air was crisp and cool. Hannah was in his back yard playing a slide. Her hair was reddish brown and her eyes were crystal blue.
Hannah always solve problems with her three older sisters, Liliana, Paulina, Charlotte and two smaller sisters, Victoria and Coco. She was truly happy today because she didn’t have to solve problems and could stay at home playing the slide. This was the first time she was free to play at home as she pleased. She could slide down the slide the whole day without getting board of it. Just then, her golden key glowed, that meant there was trouble!
“ It time to go to missions again!” Hannah thought to herself and without hesitation, she reported the news to her sisters.
“ what? I thought I can rest for one day!” Charlotte gasped in astonishment.
“ I thought you will say ‘ hooray!’ Ha ha” laughed Paulina.
“ Anyways, we have go to the lab and check what the problem is, right?” Liliana asked the girls.
The girls all agreed, so they went to the lab upstairs. There was a computer in it.
The six sisters started searching the problem on internet. It wrote this: A kingdom that is called Star has a problem if you want to know what it is then come to this kingdom!
“ That must be the problem! Let’s go!” said Hannah.
They went to Star kingdom. The girls saw a ugly woman staring at them laughing. There were many weapons around her. Who was she?
They read the message beside it. It wrote: what you saw was fake. We, the star fairies made it. We were caught and forced by Bella queen. If we didn’t, we would die in the hot springs. We can’t bear the hot in the hot spring. Please rescue us! Please use the magic pen here if you want to talk to us.
The girls wrote this : Where does Bella queen live? The star fairies replied: in Aberson Hill Carson Vell Number 6 ice cream house.
The girls wore their magical clothes to make themselves invisible and went to Bella Queen’s house. They tip-toed to enter the house. Hannah and Victoria were caught by the Queen because they forgot to bend their knees and Bella saw their shoes. They were tied up and locked in a jail. Liliana told Coco to follow Bella Queen and found out where she put the key. Hannah and Victoria were scared and painful. The string tied them up got tighter and tighter. Coco had to be as fast as lightning.
“AH! OUCH! Waugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Hannah and Victoria shouted.
Coco found the key and rescued the two girls. The rest of the girls were already in the kitchen. They put some medicine in Bella’s tea so that she would sleep for a long time. The medicine didn’t have any colour and taste, so Bella could not realize it. After the evil queen slept, the girls found the star fairies and rescued them.
The fairies were so grateful. They destroyed the women with weapons around it. The girls danced with fairies until midnight. What an adventure!
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Beautiful work, Lulu!
This is a really engaging and well-written story. Your use of dialogue is wonderful as it really helps the reader to understand the characters and how they are feeling.
To improve, try not to use too many capitalized words or grouped punctuation marks (i.e. !!!!!!!) to keep your writing sophisticated.
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