- This topic has 79 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated January 8, 2021 by
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Wonderful work, Sam!
This is a really fun and interesting piece of writing. You have done a great job of using inspiration from other stories and comics in your piece, and it makes your story very intriguing.
To make it even better, you could try adding a bit more information about the characters (i.e. what kind of a boy is Sam, what was his life like before he got his powers).
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The monsters
There were 2 monsters in the monster factory standing in front of a machine, trying to work out some ways to fix it. The machine was broken by a snake shaped monster and was almost killed because the two monsters work is to use the machine, luckily, the snake shaped monster escaped danger because he traveled through a door quickly(quicker than the other two).
After a while the two monsters figure out that if they plug the green line into the blue plugger, the Wi-Fi will boost 999 better than before. They did it as they plan out the trick of killing the snake shaped monster ad also reasons to kill the monster.
Before long they heard a crackling voice near by and they saw the monster bulling a litte girl. They recognize him, it is the monster that broke the machine!
The rushed to beside the snake shaped monster and the big one pulls the snake up by it’s tail and throw him into a portal, the two monsters looed at each other and laughed because they knew that the door portal is to the girl’s changing room.
In the girls changing room there were a high pitch voice screaming ’aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa’, as the girl scream she started charging at the monster. The monster dodged the soap and clothes coming through but soon got hit by a heavy glass decoration at the door. The monster fainted, and the girl quickly called the U.S military which they carried their razer shooters(the one guns that shot out ten meters wide and infinity meters long lazer) and shot at the monster. The monster died and simply turned into ash.
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Great work, Harry!
This is a very fun story indeed and you have done a wonderful job of using the characters from Monsters Inc. as inspiration. I particularly enjoy all of the twists and turns in the plot; it keeps the reader hooked and makes for some great surprises.
To make it even better, you could try to include a bit more detail about what the characters are like (i.e. describe what they look like or sound like).
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Brilliant work, Ray!
This is an incredibly thrilling and gripping story. You have clearly found some great inspiration from superhero stories and have taken and developed some of these ideas really well. Your use of varied punctuation (i.e. !) is also fantastic.
To improve, remember to start each sentence with a capital letter and have a go at giving a bit more detail about the characters (i.e. what does the ‘evil woman’ look like).
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There was a monster school, the school had two stupid monsters. One day, a school bully came. He yelled” I’m the king of this school and no one will stop me!” But the two stupid monsters is confused because the bully was short he had no weapons, he wears a glass , his face is like humongous basketball. His eyes are tiny and bloody. He looks so normal.
One day, the school has a revolution called “The School fight”, the two stupid monsters ran into the cafeteria and grab tons of meat balls, they threw it towards the school bully, the bully’s face was full of fear. But his guards has real gun.
but the stupid thing is that the guards don’t know how to use a gun. The stupid monsters and the students charged towards the bully. As they charged towards the bully, the stupid monsters called the SAS and the SAS grab a RPG and the bully was bombed to the girls bathroom. The bully saw the girls changing the clothes. Now he new, he will kill over and die.
the girls take there guns out and kill the bully.
THE END
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Great job, Lior!
This is a fantastic and very fun story. You have used the monster characters as inspiration really well and developed the story fantastically. The details you include are particularly good as you create a real sense of the world.
To improve, you could set the scene a little more by describing what the school was like (i.e. what did it look like, what was the atmosphere).
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Good job, Tommy!
This is a very interesting and fun story. You have done a great job of taking inspiration from fairytales and the way you build tension is fantastic. I particularly enjoyed your tense ending, as the reader is tempted to read on.
To improve, remember to start your sentences with capital letters and check over your spelling (i.e. ‘braiver; should be ‘braver’).
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Fab work, Tommy!
You have set the scene really well in this opening. Your use of pathetic fallacy is great; the stormy weather really creates a sense of foreboding and tension. You have also used some excellent adjectives that help to paint a very clear picture.
To improve, you could also think about what sounds, smells, tastes, and feelings are present in the setting.
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The bigfoot
Once, there were two explorer that went into a forest, they are finding for something that was uno-normal and precious creature in it. Before long they found something hairy, like a man, but got lots of hair and was much taller than a man should be. They were 8-9 feet tall(1.9-2.0 meters).
The two explorers toke the picture ban=ck to the government to investigate the creature on the photograph. Soon the meeting begin, some people thought that bigfoot is just a big gorilla or a big monkey, some thought it is a human that gave up the city life and went to the wild to live. But believers thought it was aunordinary monster that live in that wood.
After a while, another women got the picture in the woods camping and it shows that the bigfoot is stealing his camp partners food and supplies.
There was a lot of jabbers about bigfoot when they stole people’s food supplies and life using tools. Many tries to follow bigfoot in the back but got killed mysteriously by the bigfoot.
A secret group called the SCP got control of bigfoot and it became SCP 1000 and was the level of KETER. KETER level is the third most dangerous SCP level and KETER level SCPs were SCP049,bird mouth doctor, SCP096, a man naked but will kill you after you looked right into his eye, SCP 173, a statue that can move instantly and brake your neck if you did not look and him even for a blink. As you can see that KETER level and bigfoot was how dangerous.
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Wonderful work, Harry!
This is a fantastic opening. The detail you give about what the creature looks like is wonderful. Also, you have come up with a really exciting story that keeps the reader hooked and wanting to read on. The technical vocabulary is also very interesting!
To improve, remember to ‘set the scene’ a little more by describing the setting in more detail: what can you see, what is the weather like, what can you hear?
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The Unknown creature
before centuries, there was two explorers. They came to a spooky mountain named “ Fengmen mountain”. The path was tiny. The people who went there had never came back. Also, there are rumors about a creature. The weather in there was rainy and cloudy. The mountain had snakes, gigantic snakes. There were woods, with trees that had no leaves.
The rumors about that creature is that the creature lives in a cemetery. The bodies in the cemetery can move. Some peoples that live in that mountain say that there were 10 missing bodies and 10 missing child’s . One day, in a night, they sneak into the spooky cemetery with some villagers. After a month, the villagers all go home. But one of the villagers said, “ I have been waiting for 200 years!”
Suddenly, the explorers think something get wrong. They ran fast as they could. Suddenly, the villager turn into a giant gorilla. One of the explorers take a photo of the gorilla.
After centuries, a kid hiking in the mountain find the photo and take it back to the science lab.
THE END
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A story about a superhero
A long, long time ago, in the same world we are living in, there was a place called the Crystal Hole. It is very dark there, and even a flashlight can’t help. That’s because the second you open your flashlight, it will somehow turn off. There was a Miner called Pebble, and he thought”Why not use a candle on a stick, not a flashlight?” That’s how he got a hundred candles, and fifty sticks, then went exploring. He walked over half a mile, then saw light. If you’re thinking,’that’s probably an illusion, and he got crazy, but no. He wondered the exact same thing, then walked to it. There was a sudden bright shine, the whole cave filled with light. By the way, did I mention the light was purple and blue? He was stunned, by the blinding light, then it all darkened, but not for him. His eyes glowed a bright, shiny light, and he looked around. In front of him stands a large crystal, so big that it is like Mount Everest! He touched it, then he felt power racing through his body. He opened his eyes, and what he saw surprised him, he was surrounded by light, and he was floating in mid-air! He leaned forward, then as fast as a jet, he rocketed front, and smashed a dwarf and killed it. He was again surrounded by the ones coming out of the hole in the wall. Normal people will think, holy cow, what’s that? Then run as fast as their legs would carry them. In other words escape, but not Pebble. I mean not now, he would escape in the past, but now he felt a surge of power and bravery. He opened his hands, and a bright sword appeared on his right hand, and a bright shield on his left. He fought like he never did, and he killed every last one. He saw a lot of things in the torches, and the mystery of broken flashlight’s is solved. Now he have a problem. Going out of the cave. But have no fear, light man is here! He felt a signal leading outside,and dashed here and there, then finally, he busted out of the cave, out to daylight. He is now light man, protector of the world. Now you might just be wondering”Whats are his other powers? Or just floating around and wielding a sword and a shield? ” Well, that are a few of them. He have some other powers too, of course, or he will be the most boring superhero in the history of the world. He can also turn invisible, teleport, and other cool stuff. That is Light Man, the new superhero in the world. If you walk around the streets, and you see a bright thing, you might as well say hello to him, and hopefully he will greet you back!
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The stupid president
In the future, there was a stupid president named ‘What’s · Giao ’. He walks like a baby and crawl like a snake. In school, he wants everyone to know him. So one day, he eat a gigantic poop in bathroom to show how brave he is. He don’t know how to rule a country, even how to walk. He like’s to do crazy things such like ring the grenade and hug it tightly.
He doesn’t like to learn or be a leader. He always let people feel that how can this trash be our president. He likes to play American football.
He had some famous quotes like “You! Go to my office!” He is a very short person. He only eats sugary series and meat. He is very fat which a bus can’t even fill him inside.
He always so to the criminal suspects, “ Lets do this in the easy way, you! Go to the execution room and been executed by firing squad!”
The End
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The attackers
It was a dark night. The moon is shining in top of the air. Suddenly, the moon started to be covered by things like flying hat. Then, boom crash baaaaaaaap. The sound of terror waked up the soldiers.
They saw Laobā charging into him. The taste of blood is so salty. There he is. The king of Laobā named “What’s Giao”. He is the stupid president. Soldiers jump on the gun for shooting airforce. Baaaaaaaaaaap, booooooooooom! The bloods starts to fly.
The aircraft like a hat is like tons of meteors. The blood of Laobā is raining. The Laobā’s new they will lose so they retreat as fast as they can. The place was like having a nuclear explosion. There are soldiers leg injured, even there eyes. The place was hot because of the fire.
Most of them even are dead. Suddenly, a scream of āołìgiē make them full of terror. The ET’s had another army named ALG(āołìgèi). It is a special team from the EXE.area(new system in the space)
Now the soldiers knew they need help by other countries and armies. Or then, the hole solar system will kill over and die.
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I remember once I was doing my homework in the community, the home community is far away. I finished my homework in the community, and went out to wait for my mother. Outside the wind whistled, the wind was biting, I was wearing a cotton-padded jacket and it was very cold. The trees were bare outside, and you could see the wind blowing the leaves.
One minute, five minutes, fifteen minutes, forty-five minutes went by and cars flew by without any of them. I whispered to myself, Mom hasn’t come yet, I can’t wait, I wish I had fast wings and could fly home quickly now. Suddenly a taxi stopped in front of me and an old man came down. Under the light of the street lamp, I saw his face full of wrinkles. The street lamp shone on his pale hair.
He said hoarsely, “Where’s your mother? I’ll call your mother and ask her to pick you up.” Then he put his thin hand into his pocket and took out a cell phone. My face and back were burning as if they had been scalded with water over forty degrees. He drew the screen of the phone with his thin hand, and clicked on the dial. I called my mother’s phone number, and the phone began to beep. He talked to my mother for a while. He got off the phone and told me to stay here until your mother came, and he drove off.
I was so grateful to the old man that I burst into tears. There are so many cars on the road, why is only grandpa so concerned about me, just like my own grandpa.
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Ones before time there is a dinosaur named Cinderella rex . Cinderella rex love to dance.But her stepmather did not let her dance she had clean up after her mean stepsisters . One day letter came every one is invited to a fancy ball in the princes castle!Cinderella is finally going to dance , but first she has to get her stempsister get ready.When it is time to go, her stempsister leave the house the thanked their sister but her stenpmother said “you cannot go to the fancy ball because you are not ready so shut your as of ! Cinderalla Rex is sad she wanted to dance at the ball she could only dance alone in her garden .suddenly Cinderella rex heard a puff of magic a new dinosaur was there ! Who are you asked Cinderella rex ? The new Dinosaur said “I’m your fairy triceratops I will help you ! The fairy triceratops waved her magic horns a blue dress appeared two ice shoes appeared a Beaty bright pumpkin turned into a couch it was magic . You can go to the now , but you need return in midnight .At the ball Cinderella rex heard the music she started dancing !every one staired Cinderella rex is the best dancer they have ever seen during. who is that dancer ask the prince ? I do not know said Cinderella rexs stempmother. It’s mitnight! Cinderella rex had to go home the prince followed her. At the final time the magic was gone but Cinderella Rex was happy she had dance at a ball!
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one person that want to married
This morning, When My mother and I were talking, my mother said: you hurry up to finish a Chinese paper, I let you go out to play. At this time his father said: today have an uncle to get married, you and mother can also go. What I say! I happily agreed.I soon finished the paper, and my father, mother and I went to the wedding. We went to the wedding place in Tangwan. As soon as we got to the wedding place, we saw the bride at the first sight. I saw how beautiful the bride was! I looked at the groom again or handsome ah! And today’s wedding is different from the wedding I attended before. Today’s wedding dad said it was a western style wedding. Although I don’t understand it, it looks like a lot of fun. Soon the wedding will be over. We went to have a wedding banquet. There were a lot of people eating the wedding banquet. Then we saw the bride and groom toast everyone.
After we had eaten the wedding ceremony, we said goodbye to the bride and groom and got up to go home.
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one person that want to married
This morning, When My mother and I were talking, my mother said: you hurry up to finish a Chinese paper, I let you go out to play. At this time his father said: today have an uncle to get married, you and mother can also go. What I say! I happily agreed.
I soon finished the paper, and my father, mother and I went to the wedding. We went to the wedding place in Tangwan. As soon as we got to the wedding place, we saw the bride at the first sight. I saw how beautiful the bride was! I looked at the groom again or handsome ah! And today’s wedding is different from the wedding I attended before. Today’s wedding dad said it was a western style wedding. Although I don’t understand it, it looks like a lot of fun. Soon the wedding will be over. We went to have a wedding banquet. There were a lot of people eating the wedding banquet. Then we saw the bride and groom toast everyone.
After we had eaten the wedding ceremony, we said goodbye to the bride and groom and got up to go home.
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Brilliant work, Sam!
You have done a wonderful job of creating real excitement in this story. The reader is kept on the edge of their seat and you make them really want to carry on reading!
To improve, try to give a little bit more description of the characters (i.e. tell us what they look like, what their voices sound like etc.).
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Today is my birthday! l asked my mom that can I go to leo treehouse for my birthday?my mom said I you had to do your homework today . Then l said aw man .when I got to the treehouse I met Leo .why does your treehouse had a net ? I said because a inspector came and told me that you need a net Leo said .well he added the birthday cake isn’t here yet,so lest go to the theme park.when we got there we decide too ride a big rollercaoster named the maze of doom .when we get on the rollercaoster we are super excited. The truck started to move .they headed up and up and up we can peeked over the edge were ever you look don’t look －.
DOWN!!! The tided left they tided right! The race around a loupe! They get through a long dark tunnel!!!!!!!!chapter 2
When they started eat the birthday cake when a bully splated the birthday cake into Lios face ! I ran down the treehouse and get help. But more bullys came and said hey you I’ll Like introduce myself hi my name is marcie poop and ya birthday will be ruled. NOOOOOOOOOOya bully!!!!! catch him bros! They catch me to there house luckily they were my nighbour then my mom saw the bullys catching me, she said stop bullying my son ! The bully’s run away .after that terrible day a feel bad. -
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Wonderful work, Bella!
This is a really fun and playful story. You have used exclamation marks really well to create excitement and your use of hyperbole is excellent.
To improve, you could also try to describe your characters in a little more detail (i.e. tell us a bit about what they look like and how they act).
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Great work, Samuel!
This is such an interesting twist on the story. You have created such a fun and exciting atmosphere and created a really clear impression of what the characters are like.
To improve, you could also try to add in some more techniques that we have learned about (i.e. symbolism and foreshadowing).
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THREE CAVE MANS
chapter one Danger
is coming.There is three cave mans they don’t live on a forest , they live on a big great and beautiful wooden boat. They work very hard they even had a big living room and bedrooms even a sky garden. So they needed a lot of wood every day woods get onto the boat one day they run out of wood Cave man Carlos said why don’t we make a time traveler . Cave man Mike and Cave man mimic agreed so they built it . The next morning they jumped into the time traveler he Then CRASH !!They landed on a new word that Have lots of woods but lots of monsters . They ran off to get woods but mike stoped them and said did you see there are monsters in here.oh I forgotten that they were every where said Carlos and mimic. Well follow me up that mountain full of wood said Carlos. They ran up that mountain ,but they saw a weird creature that’s looks like a chicken but the weird creature was delicious. They wanted to take two or three to take it home. But they run very fast they can’t catch up it . Cave man mike have a very clever idea, and said let’s make traps to trap them . Okay said Carlos and mimic. When we catch them all we put them into our big bag . They see a iPad and a bunch of wood they carried the
Woods. Then KABOOM BA BLAM BOOM!!! There is the time traveler said mimic .they jump back into their times traveler. And they lived happily ever after.-
Fabulous work, Ray!
This is a fantastic story. You have clearly taken on board the learning we did about titles, as you have given the reader a clear understanding of what sort of story this will be and created great tension through the chapter title.
To improve, you could give a little bit more description of the cave men (i.e. what makes them different, what do they look like).
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Beautiful work, Claire!
This is a really lovely story. You have chosen the characters’ names really well, like the fact that they both start with a ‘J’ clearly shows that they are connected in some way. Also, you have built suspense and tension really well throughout.
To improve, you could try to put into place some other techniques that we have discussed, such as rhetorical questions).
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Lovely work, Samuel!
This is a wonderful piece of writing. You have clearly taken on board the learning we did about choosing titles carefully, as the book name and chapter title clearly excites the reader and informs them of what kind of story they will be reading.
To improve, you could also try to add in some other techniques that we have learned about (i.e. foreshadowing and symbolism).
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When she saw a suit of armor. She asked her father,’D,D,D Daddy, why do I need armor!? I don’t need to go in a war, r,r,r, right?’ Her Dad replied,’ This is a special type of armor, you know Iron Man, right? This armor is like his, and yes, I am afraid you might go in a war, but against your greatest fear.’ As he said that he heard a thud on the roof.
To Be Continued
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Wonderful job, Alan!
This is a fantastic continuation of the story. You have used repetition really well; it clearly demonstrates the nervousness of the character. Also, the ‘to be continued’ really makes the reader want to read on.
To improve, you could try adding a little more description (i.e. tell us more about what the Iron Man is like).
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My Holiday in Wuhan
“Oh! So fast!” I shouted as the plane landed in my hometown Wuhan, I was so excited that I could see my grandparents, it was a long time that I didn’t see my grandparents. I was grateful to reunite with them.
A moment later, I sat in the car and I said to the driver”Please take me to(where my house is)” At first I thought the driver was a stranger,but it was my dad who sat on the driver spot. I was so happy that I jumped and bumped my head, “oh!” I said, my dad, drive the car to my home.
An hour later, the car was outside of my home, I was so happy, so I shouted”Grandpa! Grandma!” My grandpa opened the door and said” Welcome back! come inside!” When I come inside, everything is perfect, except for one, and that is: MY GRANDPA BOTH EYES WAS BLIND! I am so sad that I can’t sleep at night, that is a sad life for my grandpa.
But the next day everything become different, that is a perfect day, than I ever have, my dad took me to see a movie, that movie is called<<Me and my country >> When we finish the movie,I am a little bit moving, oh my god every character invent the new invention in China and the character in the movie maybe will die in every moment, then we play some sport in the sport station, we play a long time that I have many waters in my hair we play basketball, football, and baseball “Oh My God! that hot!”, when we finished , we ate a perfect dinner! In the end, we go back home.
The very next day, that is the saddest thing, it’s time to go back to Hong Kong and learn in ISF. I woke up early and went to the airport, I said to my mom” I don’t want to go! I don’t want to go!” “It’s ok, on another holiday we can come back! I feel happy again!
On this vacation I know that everybody has a sad moment. If you think some good things the sad moment will be gone but if you think,then the sad moment will continue.
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Great work, Sam!
This is a really exciting story! You have done a wonderful job of creating a sense of excitement and tension. Also, you have given the reader a very clear idea of who the characters are.
To improve, you could also have a go at using repetition a bit more to add emphasis to certain parts of the story.
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Wonderful work, Bella!
Your story is very well written and you have been incredibly imaginative in your writing. Your use of questions is particularly effective as it really encourages the reader to think like your characters.
To improve, you could also try to give some more descriptions of what your characters are like (i.e. is Kate usually excited, is her mother kind?).
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One day they were a nice camp sight and a warm cabin and—
There were seven friends wearing under wear . And seven bags for sleeping there. And seven pillows to rest there heads and a bear in under wear good at tricks.so get free of tick and marshmallows on sticks good night pillow fight good night Miskito bites it can be a quiet night. Hi owls hoo hoo hoo hi birds chirp chirp chirp rock under bears back. hi iches Twitters and what’s that noise? Hi rain rain rain rain a scary game. Hello dry cabin cabin. Hello hello say from stormy weather-
Great job, Ray!
This is a very tense and thrilling story. You have done a wonderful job at building tension and your use of imagery is fantastic; you create such a clear idea in the readers’ minds of what this scene is like.
To improve, you could also think about using some other techniques such as metaphor and simile.
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Next year I will be smarter Next year I will be older. Next year I will be taller. Next year I will be better at writing. Next year I will be better at reading. Next year I will be better at math. Next year I will be better at pe. Next year I will be more happier. Next year I will be nine year old.
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Are you good at riddles?today i am going to tell you some easy riddles.how many side do a bubble have ? Answer: (2inside and outside). The more it wets the more it dry. Answer (towel) can you write how much I weigh. Answer ( how much I weigh).
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